


Foreign Emotions

by cynicalrecluse



Series: Security [1]
Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Adolescent Sexuality, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Fluff and Angst, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Sexuality Crisis, Sweet He Tian, Tension, he tian is so soft, mo just needs some comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-20 08:15:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14256744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cynicalrecluse/pseuds/cynicalrecluse
Summary: Mo Guan Shan is questioning his sexuality after a series of past events and he has to deal with internalised homophobia, along with his own fears, before he can come to terms with himself. Mo finds comfort in the last person he would think to find it in, He Tian.





	1. Chapter 1

Mo Guan Shan was scared. He was scared of a lot of things, more than he’d ever admit. Guan Shan also cared a lot more than he wanted people to know. He hid behind an angry mask to hide the truth. When people knew the real you, they tore you apart. Guan Shan understood too well.

All he knew was lies, he was so far from being honest with himself and others that there was no turning back now. Guan Shan buried himself in lies for the sake of his sanity. But then, everything started to unravel and whether he liked it or not he had to face himself.

Guan Shan had always kept to himself, he used to always be alone. When he got to middle school he changed and surrounded himself with ‘friends’. You could say it was a coping mechanism or a defense strategy, Mo Guan Shan couldn’t deny either.

He was probably more alone now than he ever was back then. He knew that none of his friends cared about him in the slightest, they’d throw him under the bus at the first chance if they would gain from it. But it wasn’t one-sided, Guan Shan didn’t give a shit about them either. They were all just playing pretend.

That’s why when Mo Guan Shan started questioning things about himself, he couldn’t turn to them. He couldn’t be comforted when he was struggling to get up in the morning nor when he found it unbearable to be in his own skin. It was his problem to deal with.

So he pretended that everything was alright, for everyone’s sake. Guan Shan couldn’t lie to himself anymore though. Even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t have been able to. Everything was swirling around in his head at a speed far too fast to block out.

So one night, Guan Shan let the floodgates open and decided to have a heart to heart with himself. He remembered the time that one of his friends set him up with a girl and Mo got so angry at him that he almost beat him up. He had no idea where the anger came from, if he was honest with himself it scared him.

In the end, he went on a date with the girl anyway, the entire night was incredibly boring and painful. But Mo Guan Shan thought, ‘this is what normal guys my age do, right?’ So when the date was over, he went back to the girl’s place and tried to do what ‘normal guys’ do. He didn’t even make it past the girls bra before he ran out of her house, jacket in hand, shoes loosely slipped on and vomited up his dinner behind a tree.

He felt disgusted by her touch, he rubbed his lips with the back of his hand until they were red and swollen. He didn’t want to feel that heaviness on his skin, he felt weighed down. As soon as he made it home he took a two-hour long shower rubbing his skin raw, yet he still felt dirty.

Guan Shan remembered how he felt afterward, how he wondered why he felt that way. He didn’t have any answers back then, so he blocked the memory out. But now he knew. He knew why the girl’s touch made his skin burn, past the point of feeling good and into the range of feeling like he had dumped a pot of boiling water over himself. He knew why he felt so dirty afterward, why he ran away from her. He ran away from himself too.

Mo Guan Shan didn’t stop there, he remembered how He Tian came into his life with no warning and fucked everything up. He remembered how he slowly started feeling something for He Tian, that wasn’t hate or disgust. He still didn’t quite know what it was, but he was slowly catching along.

Guan Shan remembered when He Tian kissed him. He remembered how scared he was, of the fact that He Tian was kissing him and also that he didn’t hate it. He remembered how terrified he was when he realised that He Tian’s kiss felt nothing like that of the girls. Guan Shan remembered crying that night, he didn’t know why he was crying at the time but it felt like the right thing to do.

This was all enough for Guan Shan. He knew everything already, it was just accepting it that was tough. Mo Guan Shan probably knew a lot sooner than he’d admit. Probably when he couldn’t get off on straight porn, or girls at all for that matter or maybe when he realised he looked at guys differently than someone ‘normal’ would. He always denied it.

It was different now, Guan Shan couldn’t handle lying to himself anymore. Mo Guan Shan was gay, he liked guys. He didn’t like girls. He tried to calm down his racing heart by taking a few deep breaths. It didn’t work. Guan Shan told himself it was okay, that there was nothing he could do about it. He so badly wanted to deny himself this fact and pretend that he didn’t know anything, but he couldn’t. He just couldn’t anymore.

Mo Guan Shan accepted that this was as close to accepting himself as he would ever come and decided to leave it at that. He needed time now, all he could do was give himself some time. Miracles didn’t happen overnight.

The next day Guan Shan went to school as per usual. He felt an arm swing across his shoulders and knew who it was immediately. “Look who I found,” He Tian grinned. Mo Guan Shan frowned in response and didn’t bother trying to shake him off, his efforts were always fruitless. He was quite tired today, the heart to heart with himself last night lasted longer than he’d expected, so he didn’t get a lot of sleep.

Guan Shan could feel He Tian staring at him, he hated it when people did that, it made him extremely uncomfortable. Mo Guan Shan snapped his neck to the boy next to him, spitting a “What?!” angrily at him.

“Did you get any sleep last night? You look tired,” He Tian questioned.

Guan Shan frowned even more than he thought possible and let out a snarky reply. “It’s none of your chicken dick business.”

He Tian didn’t respond to him, only hummed in acknowledgment. They parted ways as Mo Guan Shan went to his class and He Tian to his. “So annoying,” Guan Shan mumbled angrily to himself. ‘Why can’t he just mind his own business?’ Mo thought.

The first half of the day went by fairly uneventfully, the teacher droning on about who knows what. At lunch, Mo Guan Shan bought a sandwich from the school’s store. He was sitting by himself outside eating the sandwich as one of his friends approached him and sat down.

“What’s up?” his friend said in greeting.

Guan Shan didn’t bother replying and continued eating his sandwich.

“So, there’s this girl from another school that I can set you up with. She’s single and hot,” he told Guan Shan while scrolling through his phone. “Here’s a picture of her.”

Mo Guan Shan took his phone and stared at the photo of the girl. Brown, curly, chest-length hair and hazel eyes. Guan Shan didn’t see the appeal, what was so great about her? She looked completely average to him.

He handed him back his phone and looked away, finishing the last bite of his sandwich. “So, what do you think?” his friend asked him.

Mo hummed indifferently, not caring enough to reply. ‘When is he going to get the hint that I don’t care?’ he thought. This definitely ruined his so far average day. He hadn’t been approached with an offer like this in quite a while. It always bothered him having to pretend that he was ‘busy’ or that the girl ‘wasn’t his type’. It was even worse when he had to answer stupid questions about what type of girl he likes.

“I’m gay,” even thinking about saying that out loud to someone terrified him.

Mo Guan Shan was about to get up to leave, wanting to be alone when his friend spoke up again. “If she doesn’t interest you then maybe this one will,” he spoke shoving his phone once again into Guan Shan’s hands.

This time it was a girl with shoulder-length blonde hair and blue eyes. Even Guan Shan could tell that she was attractive, probably popular too. Not the type that would want anything to do with Mo. It didn’t matter anyway, he wasn’t going to go on a date with her, that would be pointless and a huge headache. Mo passed the phone back to its owner and made up an excuse.

“Not my type,” Mo mumbled, getting up and throwing his trash away.

His friend still didn’t take the hint and followed him. Mo wanted to punch him, he was too determined. At this point, anyone should understand that Mo Guan Shan doesn’t give a shit about dating, no matter who it is.

Luckily, He Tian tends to have very good timing and showed up just as Mo’s friend was about to say something. That was probably the first time that Mo admitted he was actually glad to see He Tian. None of his friends got along with Tian, so Mo was left alone after his friend said his goodbyes and scurried off.

“Little Mo~ How nice to see you,” He Tian greeted him, putting an arm around his shoulder. Mo grumbled in anger but nevertheless, didn’t bother moving his arm. “I want your beef stew tonight,” Tian stated.

“Fuck you,” Guan Shan mumbled, not in the mood to put up a fight. The bell rang, cutting off their conversation and He Tian let go of Mo, saying goodbye, “I’ll see you tonight.”

“Like Hell you will,” Mo Guan Shan spat back. He Tian didn’t respond, only waving and smiling back at Mo.

‘How the chicken balls did I get myself into this?’ Guan Shan asked himself, frustrated. Mo could tell He Tian and himself that he wasn’t going to go all he wanted, but they both knew that he’d be there tonight cooking dinner in a few hours. He didn’t mind as much as he pretended, He liked cooking and didn’t mind cleaning. It was even better that he got paid to do so, he needed all the extra funds he could get his hands on, in his families state especially.

The rest of the day passed by quickly for Mo Guan Shan and soon enough school was over. Mo decided to go home before going to get groceries and going to He Tian’s place. Guan Shan had forgotten that he told He Tian he wasn’t going, not that He Tian believed him anyway. Mo tended to do this whenever he was asked to come over and make dinner for Tian.

When Mo arrived at home, he took a brief shower and changed out of his uniform. ‘That fucking He Tian, he’s lucky my mom is working tonight or he’d be left to eat instant ramen for dinner,’ Guan Shan thought bitterly. Finishing getting ready, Mo left and locked his door before heading to the nearest grocery store to pick up some ingredients.

Mo Guan Shan wandered down the aisles, occasionally stopping to pick something up. In the vegetable section, Mo picked up some carrots, potatoes, celery, and an onion. He already had placed everything else he needed in his cart so he headed to the checkout.

Mo didn’t know what He Tian did and didn’t have at his place, so he just bought everything he knew he would need. It wasn’t his money anyways. Finally done at the grocery store, Guan Shan left carrying the few bags in his arms.

It wasn’t too late, only around 6 o’clock, so Guan Shan would be able to make it home early. As Mo was walking in the direction of He Tian’s place, he couldn’t help but wonder why he was doing this.

He told himself that he hated Tian and he hated being his ‘errand boy’ and ‘maid’. He told himself that he was only doing this for the money. But he knew there were so many other ways to get money that didn’t involve He Tian. He could get a proper job, or find another option, but he knew that this wasn’t the only way.

He could remove himself from He Tian’s life if he wanted to, he had the power whether or not either of them would admit it. Mo liked to think that He Tian was trapping him in his life, but he wasn’t trapped. There were so many ways out and Mo Guan Shan didn’t even bother looking. It was an odd thought that haunted Guan Shan, the fact that maybe he was the one who was keeping himself by He Tian’s side. He didn’t know why he would do such a thing.

He was snapped out of his thoughts when he realised he had reached He Tian’s apartment building. He knew the code since he had been there recently more than he wanted to admit, so there was no reason to ask He Tian to let him in.

Mo took the elevator up to He Tian’s floor and his heart started pounding for some unknown reason. ‘Calm down,’ he told himself. He wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary, so he wondered why he was more anxious than usual.

He didn’t bother thinking about it any further as he got off the elevator and reached He Tian’s door, letting himself in as it was open. Mo slipped off his shoes and brought the groceries into the kitchen, not bothering to greet He Tian who was staring out the window smoking a cigarette.

Mo washed his hands and started unpacking the groceries, getting started cooking. He Tian was unusually quiet, normally he would be watching Guan Shan work in the kitchen while he talked about some trivial thing that Mo didn’t care about. Guan Shan didn’t overthink it and carried on with cooking, cutting up the vegetables.

They carried on like that for the entire time, Mo cooking and He Tian staring out the window with a cigarette between his lips. He would occasionally stub out the one he had and wait a bit before lighting up a new one. Mo could feel his nervous energy all the way from the kitchen.

The meal finally plated, Mo set the food down on the table and called He Tian to dinner, “He Tian it’s ready.”

Tian stubbed out his cigarette and slowly made his way over to the table where Guan Shan was sitting. The silence that filled the empty space was stifling, but Mo didn’t bother filling it. After a while, both of them still eating, He Tian decided to say something which startled Mo.

“Why aren’t you going to go on a date with one of those girls?” Tian asked carefully, almost as if he was scared to break the silence.

Mo Guan Shan just sat there for a second, very confused. It then dawned on him, He Tian must have overheard his conversation with his friend earlier today. “You fucker, don’t eavesdrop on people. Especially when it’s none of your chicken dick business,” Mo spat at Tian.

He Tian didn’t look phased in the slightest as he continued questioning him, “don’t you want to even meet one of the girls? We are at that age, you know,” He Tian spoke.

Mo was getting even more confused by the minute, this was nothing like He Tian, what was he thinking? Guan Shan also felt a twinge of pain in his chest as Tian spoke, which he chose to ignore.

“Mind your own fucking business, asshole,” Guan Shan snapped at He Tian angrily. “Why do you care what I do?”

He Tian stared at Guan Shan, studying the disgusted look on his face. Tian saw something else in his expression, a bit of pain which he looked to be desperately hiding. “Do you… not like girls?” He Tian took a shot at the dark, he knew Guan Shan would never admit to this even if it was true anyway. Tian didn’t know why he felt like he needed to know.

Mo Guan Shan was in hysterics, ‘How the fuck did he find out?! How does he know?!’ Mo screamed at himself. Mo Guan Shan was panicking, to say the least. His whole body was visibly shaking, enough so even He Tian noticed. He felt his palms slick with sweat in the tight fists he put in his lap. Mo felt like he was about to pass out, nausea making his head spin.

‘I have to deny it! He Tian can’t know! What if he tells everyone and spreads rumours?! What if it happens again?!” Mo screamed at himself, his head still not working right. Shakily, he yelled, “No, of course, I do! I’m not gay, that’s gross!” Mo Guan Shan wasn’t even looking at He Tian when he said this, he didn’t have the courage to. Mo just hopped He Tian was more clueless than he thought.

He Tian could only sit there in shock, the look on Mo’s face gave him pain. It was a look of pure terror, something that He Tian had never seen before. He never thought he’d see a day where Mo Guan Shan would look so vulnerable.

He Tian said the only thing that came to his mind, “It’s not gross.”

Mo looked up at He Tian without a second thought, he misheard him, right? ‘He Tian knows exactly what I’m thinking, it’s too late to lie’ Mo said to himself. But he couldn’t bring himself to say anything, all he could do was stare into He Tian’s stormy grey eyes. He had an unusually soft and warm expression on his face, one that Mo Guan Shan had never seen before. It scared him.

He Tian decided to speak up again, noticing that Mo wasn’t planning on saying anything anytime soon. Mo didn’t trust himself not to let everything out and come clean. “It’s okay Guan Shan. You’ll be fine,” Tian spoke softly, almost as if he didn’t want to scare Mo away.

Guan Shan couldn’t believe his ears, is He Tian comforting him? Mo knew he needed comfort more than anything right now, but he didn’t know how to handle affection. He was still so terrified. Mo went to say something, but as soon as he opened his mouth to speak, no words escaped. He was shaking even more so now than before, his head was still spinning out of control to the point where if he made one wrong move then he’d be emptying the contents of his stomach onto the floor.

He Tian didn’t say anything, just sat there silently watching Mo Guan Shan take everything in. Tian had the strongest urge to jump over the table and pull Mo into a hug, he wanted to comfort him. But he knew Mo wasn’t ready for that type of affection, so instead, he let his words settle.

Tian broke their stare and got up, collecting the dishes on the table, including Mo’s plate. Mo shakily got up and went to the bathroom, knowing he needed a minute. Mo sat on the toilet, head in his hands. Normally, Mo would’ve tried to punch He Tian for butting into his business, but Guan Shan needed comfort now more than ever and he couldn’t bring himself to deny He Tian’s affections.

When he finished collecting himself, he left the bathroom and headed towards the kitchen, finding He Tian staring out the window again, but this time with the absence of a cigarette. Mo started cleaning up, wanting to distract himself.

He was wiping off the counters when he heard the quiet sound of He Tian’s voice from across the room, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. Your secret’s safe with me,” Tian spoke thoughtfully.

He Tian was full of surprises tonight as this was the last thing Mo expected to hear from him. Guan Shan was thankful though, probably more thankful than he had ever been to anyone. Mo didn’t know what to say, he despised thanking people, but he felt this situation was the one time he could make an exception.

“Thank you,” Mo Guan Shan almost whispered. He was sure He Tian wouldn’t have been able to hear him. But, he decided that He Tian had superhuman hearing after he saw Tian in the reflection of the window, genuinely smiling. His smile left Mo speechless, he would have blushed if he didn’t look away so quickly, choosing to carry on with his cleaning.

Mo left He Tian’s place without any further revelations, he had felt enough emotions for one night. On the walk home, Guan Shan replayed the events of the night in his head and found himself anxious for what this could bring to their ‘relationship’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed writing this, so I hope you guys enjoy reading it! If you liked it please let me know, I love feedback!! You can follow me on tumblr @ cynicalrecluse to see future fics right away!


	2. Chapter 2

Mo Guan Shan felt on edge as he reached the school gates that morning. He didn’t know where all of his anxiety was coming from, nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary so far. That was until he walked past a group of giggling girls who all blatantly stopped and stared at Guan Shan, whispering to each other as he walked by. He glared at them and continued on walking, not wanting to cause a scene.

He didn’t think much of it at first, he was used to people acting this way around him. Although, it hadn’t happened for a while because of He Tian’s recent constant presence next to Mo. What he wasn’t expecting, was the exact same thing to happen, but this time it was instead a group of boys who were lounging at a picnic table.

Guan Shan didn’t let this one slip and gave them a warning, “What’re you looking at?” None of them seemed phased and instead made their voices louder, so Mo caught a bit of their conversation. “That’s him, right? Gross.”

Mo didn’t want to believe his ears, he hoped he had misheard them. He picked up his pace, his anxiety starting to show. Guan Shan could feel his heart pounding in rhythm with his steps as he raced to the entrance of the building. Did it always take him this long to reach the front doors?

Mo Guan Shan had made it into his school and was on his way to his classroom when everything started getting worse. He felt stares bore into the back of his head, he heard laughs and whispers tossed back and forth between groups. They were aimed at him. He kept hearing his name, and that word he hated. The word he knew he deserved to be labelled with. “Gross.”

He was in a panic. ‘They can’t know, can they?’ He Tian was the only one who knew and he promised he would keep it a secret. He promised. ‘Tian wasn’t evil enough to do something like this, was he?’ Guan Shan didn’t want to think that maybe He Tian wasn’t the person he thought he knew.

People lined the hallways as Mo Guan Shan tried to make his way through them. It was obvious they knew. He was pointed at, laughed at. He felt like an animal on display, he couldn’t take it. His heart was pounding incredibly fast, to the point where it felt like it was about to escape out of his chest. His hands were shaking so much that he had to ball them into tight fists so no one would notice. He was scared, so fucking terrified of everyone and what they were capable of doing to him.

He had to get out of there right now, he had to find He Tian and put him in his place. He picked up his speed, so he was almost running, but it felt like he needed to go faster. ‘Sprint, get away.’ He could still see all the fingers pointed in his direction and hear the laughs that echoed through the hallways. He couldn’t be there any longer, but he was trapped.

Guan Shan then saw two familiar faces in the crowd of people, Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi. He was about to ask them if they knew what was going on, but he was cut off by a comment from Jian Yi. “How pathetic~” he laughed. Zheng Xi had a look of pity look on his face, a look that Mo was more familiar with than he would ever admit.

Mo Guan Shan didn’t understand any of this. Were those the same people who helped him escape She Li? Were those the same people that he played basketball with, alongside He Tian? Were those the same people he almost thought he could trust?

Guan Shan had enough. He felt completely alienated and estranged. He should’ve been used to this, he knew they would leave him in the end. Just like everyone else. But he had gotten too close to them, he forgot who he was and what society thought of him. Mo Guan Shan wasn’t allowed to be happy.

After what felt like ages, Mo finally reached He Tian’s classroom. It was unusually empty, the space only filled with one boy, He Tian himself. Mo felt pure rage when he saw him and he rushed forward, grabbing He Tian’s shirt and pinning him against the wall.

Guan Shan had a string of profanities lined up on his tongue especially for Tian, but he stopped himself when he saw the look on his face. Mo was used to seeing He Tian’s intimidating and borderline evil looks, but this was something else. Mo Guan Shan had never seen anything like this before.

He Tian glared at Mo with cold, lifeless eyes and a scowl gracing his lips. “Don’t touch me, I don’t want to get infected by you,” Tian snarled. Mo Guan Shan’s grip on He Tian’s shirt loosened until his arm dropped to his side. Mo was scared of him, now more than ever.

This wasn’t the He Tian he knew. Although at times, Tian could be an evil, selfish, asshole, he would never stoop this low. Guan Shan trusted that he would never stoop this low. He shouldn’t have trusted him. It was too late.

Mo stumbled away from He Tian, not wanting to be anywhere near him. But Tian wasn’t done with Guan Shan quite yet. “You should feel ashamed of yourself,” He Tian spat out at Mo. ‘I do,’ Guan Shan thought. ‘Was He Tian pretending to comfort me last night? What was he really thinking?’ Mo couldn’t stop his mind from racing with questions he didn’t have the answers to and fears he didn’t know how to handle.

Guan Shan knew what came next, he didn’t want to hear it again. Not those two words. He didn’t need someone else to tell him what he already knew. Mo was shaking, his head spinning, heart pounding, it was like a replay of last night. He was waiting for He Tian to drop the bomb.

Tian slowly walked to where Guan Shan was standing, getting close enough so that Mo was intimidated, but not enough as to where they were touching. “You’re disgusting,” He Tian snarled at Mo.

Mo Guan Shan flew up into a sitting position in his bed, chest heaving and tears streaming down his face. ‘It was a dream, just a dream. You’re okay,’ Mo told himself this but his heartbeat didn’t slow down and neither did the flow of tears.

It took Guan Shan quite a while to get a hold of himself. After, he was left a sweaty mess tangled in his sheets, staring into the darkness of his bedroom. Mo contemplated calling He Tian, but he didn’t want him to see how weak he was. Mo figured he was probably asleep anyway.

It was still only 3 am, so Mo attempted to fall back asleep. But all he did was toss and turn, far too many thoughts in his head for him to quiet his mind. 5 hours later, Mo still hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep, he felt and looked like a zombie.

‘How am I going to make it through today?’ Guan Shan questioned. He got ready for school anyway, having a quick shower and some breakfast before heading out the door. Mo hoped that he wouldn’t have to deal with He Tian today, or anyone for that matter, he wouldn’t be able to after that nightmare.

It was a fairly nice day, the sun shining through the clouds, but Mo Guan Shan couldn’t appreciate it. He felt like it should’ve been pouring rain, the sound of thunder and bright flashes of lightning should’ve surrounded him. ‘Is this some sort of sick joke?’ Guan Shan thought.

Mo was used to nightmares, he used to get them frequently as a kid, but he hadn’t had one for a while. Definitely not one that bad. He figured it was because of what happened last night, He Tian finding out that he was gay brought out all of his fears. Tian was the first to know, which was a bitter thought. Mo had planned on hiding it for the rest of his life, but if he was being realistic, he knew that never would have worked out.

Guan Shan was also surprised that Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi were in his dream, he didn’t think he gave a shit about those two idiots. Dreams like the one he had tended to make you question a lot about yourself and Mo was already questioning too much.

Mo Guan Shan reached the gates of his school and suddenly flashbacks of his dream began haunting him. ‘It’s okay, that’s not going to happen. Everything will be fine,’ Mo told himself this but he didn’t believe a word of it.

He was about to begin his trip to his classroom when a heavy arm rested itself on his shoulders. “Isn’t it a lovely day, Little Mo~” He Tian stated. Of course, it’s him, who else would bother Mo this early, especially when he looked this pissed off.

Mo didn’t answer him, strongly disagreeing with the statement, but He Tian didn’t need to know that. Tian was more silent than usual as they walked together towards the school, even though he seemed to be happy a minute ago. It was probably Guan Shan’s mood rubbing off on him. ‘This is why he should leave me alone,’ Mo thought.

He Tian seemed to have a thing for staring at him, as Mo could feel eyes boring into the side of his head. Guan Shan had enough stares thrown his way in his nightmare, he didn’t need anymore today. “Wha-,” Mo was interrupted by He Tian stopping them both in their tracks. “What’s wrong?” Tian asked Mo with what seemed like genuine worry.

Mo continued on walking and mumbled, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Guan Shan couldn’t handle He Tian’s weird spidey-sense for being able to tell when Mo wasn’t feeling well, he didn’t want him to know what was wrong. In fact, a lot of things were wrong, far too many for Mo Guan Shan to list off to He Tian.

Tian grabbed Mo’s wrist and pulled him back before he could get too far. “Guan Shan, what’s wrong?” he repeated insistently. Mo knew he couldn’t ignore his question again and decided to do a bit of lying. “I’m fine He Tian, you’re just being annoying,” Mo spoke with an edge.

Guan Shan hoped Tian would believe his lie, he thought it was very believable himself. He Tian stared at Mo, seeming to look for something in his expression. He sighed and kept walking, Mo trailing behind him. ‘Did he believe it?’ Guan Shan questioned, hoping he did.

Mo Guan Shan had entirely forgotten that a few minutes ago he was worried about whether or not He Tian had actually told people. He wasn’t as worried anymore, but still slightly anxious, then again who wouldn’t be?

Mo finally reached his classroom after he parted ways with He Tian, no more words shared between them. Guan Shan had always wondered what went on in that head of his, it was like he was in an entirely different world than Mo. He wondered what it was like.

Guan Shan sat through class staring out the window, ignoring his teacher’s words along with his classmates. Mo couldn’t stop thinking about He Tian, it drove him insane. He would try to think about something else but it always led back to him, it was infuriating. Guan Shan had never felt this way before, he didn’t know what was wrong with him. There had to be something wrong with him, right?

Finally, it was lunch time and Mo didn’t have an appetite after all those thoughts of Tian plagued his mind. He decided to go for a walk around the school grounds, hoping he could avoid He Tian that way. Although just because Mo was trying to ignore him, that didn’t mean he wouldn’t still be fighting off thoughts of him.

Mo’s nightmare had shaken him up, but ironically his mind was more so occupied by the events of last night. Knowing that He Tian had kept his promise had justified his words and actions that night. Mo didn’t know what to think of him, he didn’t know why he would be so nice to someone like Mo Guan Shan.

Guan Shan wasn’t sure if he should take Tian’s sudden kindness for granted or value it. He didn’t know if he should even acknowledge it at all. He Tian was full of surprises, at this point, Mo should have been used to his hazy motives and even hazier goals. Whether Guan Shan would admit it or not, he was thankful for Tian’s kind words, if he hadn’t heard them who knows how he would’ve ended up.

“Mo Guan Shan!” A voice calling his name snapped Mo out of his thoughts and he twisted his body around in surprise. ‘Speak of the devil,’ Guan Shan thought as He Tian came into his view.

Tian seemed to be out of breath as he ran to catch up with Mo. Guan Shan wondered how long he had been running if he looked like that. “Why are you avoiding me?” Tian suggested. ‘Was I being obvious? I thought I was quite subtle,’ Guan Shan considered.

“I’m not avoiding you,” Mo denied. He was getting caught up in many lies today, he wondered when they’d all unravel.

He Tian laughed like Mo had just told a funny joke, catching on to the fact that Guan Shan hadn’t been the most honest person that day. “I know there’s something wrong and I know you’re avoiding me, can you stop lying?” He Tian asked tiredly.

Guan Shan didn’t know where to go from there. If he was honest with himself, he was getting tired of all the lies too. Mo wasn’t ready to tell He Tian about his nightmare nor about the fears that possessed him.

Mo sighed and stared at the ground, not wanting to see the look on He Tian’s face. “Is this about yesterday? Or did something else happen?” Tian asked Mo softly.

Mo Guan Shan knew he wouldn’t be able to tell Tian what was wrong, he was fairly close to the answer anyway, so Mo didn’t respond to him and continued analyzing his shoes.

He Tian gently lifted Mo’s chin with two fingers so he was looking at Tian. Neither of them spoke for a few moments, just studying each other’s faces with curiosity. He Tian was the first to cautiously speak.

“Mo Guan Shan, there is nothing wrong with you. You are not abnormal or gross, you’re worth way more than you imagine. Don’t deal with this by yourself, I’m here for you. You don’t have to be scared,” He Tian didn’t break eye contact with Mo as he comforted him.

All Mo could do was let Tian’s words sink in as they stared at each other. Guan Shan was curious about the soft and warm expression on He Tian’s face, which he had been seeing a lot of recently and Tian was studying the scared, but also shocked look on Mo’s face.

He Tian let his hand fall to his side, but Mo still didn’t break eye contact. The bell rang, cutting both of them out of their thoughts and Tian backed away from Mo, uttering a few last words. “Please don’t think you’re alone or that you can’t share your thoughts with anyone. You know I’m only a phone call away,” He Tian smiled.

Mo Guan Shan watched Tian walk away. He was left standing there in awe, wondering how anyone could be so accepting, especially of him. Mo didn’t know where this new He Tian came from, but he was scared of the new feelings he felt surface for him. He was scared they would make themselves known even further.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is one hell of an emotional roller coaster, I can say that for sure lol. Thank you, everyone, for all the support! Please let me know if you enjoyed it, feedback makes me very, very happy!!
> 
> Tumblr: cynicalrecluse


	3. Chapter 3

Guan Shan didn’t know how to process He Tian’s words, they kept repeating in his head like a broken record. ‘There is nothing wrong with you.’ Mo wondered how it was possible for He Tian of all people, to make him feel at peace.

Mo knew he would never be able to focus if he went back to class and it seemed rather pointless anyway as the bell had already rung five minutes ago. He could either be late and get yelled at by his teacher or skip the rest of the day and have a nap. The latter was the obvious option in Mo Guan Shan’s mind.

There weren’t any teachers actively guarding the school grounds since everyone should’ve been in class, so it was fairly easy for Mo to escape. He only had to jump over a fence near the back of the school, which was out of the way of any onlookers.

Soon enough Mo Guan Shan found himself heading back home, giving him time to organise his thoughts. Mo didn’t want to get ahead of himself, but he thought that He Tian might’ve been being honest with him. Guan Shan couldn’t change this part of himself and he knew there was no point in worrying about it. You can only fight the truth for so long.

Guan Shan needed a break from all the self-pity and disgust, he had been consumed with it for far too long. He wondered if something would change within him if he accepted this part of himself. Would he become a better person? The definition of a ‘good person’ seemed too far away for Mo to grasp.

Maybe he didn’t need to be the textbook definition of a good person, maybe he could just be himself. He knew that would undoubtedly get him nowhere in life, but isn’t that what they told kids? To always be themselves? Mo thought he was probably overthinking it and decided to leave the topic alone, he had enough faith to believe that one day he’d be okay.

Mo Guan Shan finally reached his home, unlocking the door and taking his shoes off in the entryway before sauntering into his room. The trip back home from school seemed to feel shorter than usual as he was so deep in thought.

As soon as Mo laid his eyes on his bed, the exhaustion hit him and he couldn’t wait to lay down. He put his school bag away and changed into some more comfortable clothes before Guan Shan flopped down onto his mattress, wrapping himself in blankets. Mo, luckily, didn’t have time to overthink any other matters before he quickly drifted off to sleep.

The sound of a phone ringing woke Guan Shan up from his slumber and he fumbled to answer the call, still half asleep. “Hello?” Mo asked groggily into his phone. He heard a deep chuckle from the other end of the call and knew who he was talking to immediately.

“Did I wake you?” He Tian questioned. Mo groaned in response, still coming to his senses. He wondered what time it was if he was getting a call from Tian, so he looked over at the clock on his nightstand to find that it was already 7 pm.

He Tian began questioning Mo Guan Shan again out of curiosity and hidden worry. “So, you ended up skipping the last half of the day?”

Mo confirmed his statement, also wondering how he found out. “Yeah. How’d you know?” There was a short silence between them before He Tian laughed and gave a vague answer. “I have connections.”

Guan Shan snorted at his response, not taking him seriously in the slightest. “Whatever,” Mo said absentmindedly.

“Do you want to meet at the usual basketball court in 15? Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi will be there too,” He Tian asked Mo.

Mo considered the invitation for a moment, he didn’t have anywhere to be tonight. His mom was also working overtime so he’d be alone anyway. “Sure,” he mumbled.

“Great~ see you then,” He Tian spoke happily, ending the call. 15 minutes gave Mo Guan Shan enough time to have a quick shower and grab a snack before heading out since it only took five minutes to get there. He quickly jumped into action, not wasting any time.

As Guan Shan was showering he began considering an idea that would’ve sounded crazy to him a week ago, coming out to his mom. He knew he could trust her with the information, her love for him was unconditional as she told him. Mo felt like that would be another weight off his shoulders.

Guan Shan remembered to take note of this thought as he got out of the shower and dried off, putting on some clothes. He wasn’t going to suddenly come out to his mom tomorrow or anything of that sort, but he knew in due time it would happen. It scared him, but at the same time, he was impatiently anticipating her support, which he knew he could count on.

Mo quickly had a bite to eat and left his home in perfect timing. As Guan Shan headed towards his destination he realised he hadn’t seen Jian Yi or Zhan Zheng Xi since before he had that nightmare. He was avoiding He Tian at lunch and Tian was the main reason he hung out with them in the first place, then he skipped the rest of the day so it really wasn’t a surprise he hadn’t seen them.

Mo Guan Shan felt a bit of anxiety when he thought about meeting them, he trusted that He Tian didn’t tell them, but the worry was always there. He brushed off all of his unnecessary concerns and picked up his pace, wanting a distraction from his thoughts. His tendency to overthink had been worse than usual lately.

Mo finally reached the court and saw all three boys, He Tian, Jian Yi, and Zhan Zhang Xi, already passing the ball around and taking shots. He was thankful he didn’t have to be alone with any of them, he wasn’t in the mood for awkward conversation, which he knew would inevitably happen in that type of situation. It always happened when he was involved.

“Little Mo~ Took you long enough,” He Tian waved at Guan Shan, ushering him over. Mo didn’t respond, his usual ‘fuck off’ dying in his throat.

“Redhead! Come join us, we can play 2 versus 2 now!” Jian Yi happily exclaimed. Mo Guan Shan couldn’t understand how that guy was always smiling and happy, he wondered if it was a mask. Guan Shan was awfully familiar with facades and Jian Yi fit the description.

Mo Guan Shan didn’t think about it any further and walked onto the court, meeting the rest of the guys. He Tian was quick to wrap a sweaty arm around his shoulders. Normally, Mo wouldn’t have cared too much, but he really didn’t enjoy the sweat.

“Don’t touch me, you’re all sweaty,” Mo said pointedly.

He Tian made an effort to pull Guan Shan in even closer to the side of his body, so close that Mo’s face was practically nestled in his armpit. “He Tian, you chicken dick! Let go of me!” There was a mess of limbs as Mo tried to fight off Tian, ending with Guan Shan in a headlock.

“Guys, can you not fight right now? Let’s play,” Jian Yi suggested. He Tian let go of Mo and Guan Shan stumbled away from him, internally thanking Jian Yi. Deciding teams wasn’t necessary, as it was obvious to everyone that it would be He Tian and Mo versus Jian Yi and Zheng Xi. Only once had they switched up the teams and to say the least, it didn’t go well.

The boys decided to play best out of three games and the losers had to buy drinks for everyone. He Tian was confident they’d win and suggested to up the stakes. “Each round, whoever loses has to either answer a question or complete a dare, which the winning team will decide.”

Jian Yi looked at He Tian, confused. “What type of question or dare?” He asked. Tian smirked and let out a laugh before answering. “Whatever you want.” Jian Yi found this very enticing and was about to excitedly agree before Zheng Xi stopped him.

“Are you even thinking about this Jian Yi? This is He Tian we’re talking about,” Zheng Xi said looking very worried. Mo agreed with him, you never knew what Tian was thinking or what he was up to, now was no different. They could be screwing themselves over, embarrassment was on the horizon. It was the same for He Tian and Mo, but they could all agree that Tian was the most evil out of all of them.

Jian Yi ignored Zheng Xi’s concerns and agreed right away, wanting to get on with the game. “We’re in! Let’s play!” Zheng Xi had a look of remorse on his face as he rolled his eyes at his friend. They all got into position and began playing as if their lives depended on it.

He Tian and Mo had a good start, winning the first round. The shit-eating grin on He Tian’s face didn’t comfort anyone as he decided on a dare for them as the losers. “Jian Yi, lick Zheng Xi’s armpit.”

Jian Yi laughed, not taking him seriously until he stopped and saw the look on his face. “You’re serious?! That’s gross!” Jian Yi complained. There was a look of disgust on both Zheng Xi and Mo’s face as they wondered how anyone could be so cruel.

In the end, they completed the dare and Jian Yi was left in fetal position on the pavement, gagging and vowing revenge on He Tian. Mo felt pity for the guy and everyone knew Mo didn’t hand out pity like it was free. The boys all had a laugh later on, even if Jian Yi denied it.

The next round He Tian and Mo lost. Jian Yi celebrated by jumping into Zheng Xi’s arms and he was met with a drop to the ground. “Kiss,” Jian Yi exclaimed, not bothering to discuss it with his teammate. Mo flew into an internal panic, he couldn’t kiss He Tian! Not after last time and especially not now that He Tian knew his secret.

He Tian exchanged a look with Mo. After he saw the scared look on Mo’s face, he tried to convince Jian Yi to change the dare. “Come on, is that all you’ve got?” He Tian challenged. Jian Yi began chanting ‘Kiss’ in response.

Mo’s heartbeat began speeding up and his hands began to shake, responses he was getting used to with all the stress he had been dealing with lately. Guan Shan didn’t want to kiss He Tian, last time it made him realise things about himself he wasn’t ready to know. He was scared of what would happen this time.

He Tian leaned in to whisper a question in Guan Shan’s ear. “Can I kiss you?” Tian asked, his breath hot on Mo. That wasn’t what Guan Shan was expecting, he didn’t know how to respond. Mo said the only thing he could. “It’s not like I have a choice.”

Tian slowly leaned in, hands lightly resting on Mo’s waist. He could feel how much Guan Shan was shaking, he gave him a reassuring squeeze to try and calm him down a bit. Mo’s eyes fluttered closed as He Tian closed the gap between them and gently pressed his lips on Mo’s.

Guan Shan could tell that He Tian was being extra gentle, not wanting to scare Mo away. ‘It feels good,’ Mo thought, not being able to think straight. It was a quick kiss, nothing like the first. Mo Guan Shan almost felt cold and empty without He Tian’s warmth after the kiss ended. He didn’t want to think about what that meant so he pretended he didn’t care.

“You assholes, can we get on with the game now?” Mo questioned, a faint blush still adorning his cheeks. Mo ignored the speechless looks on the opposite teams face and ushered them to continue playing. “Are you guys coming or not?” He asked impatiently. They quickly carried on with their game, forgetting all that had just happened, or at least trying to.

The third round He Tian and Mo lost again, it had almost been a tie. Jian Yi was quick to ask them a question, knowing Zheng Xi didn’t care too much. “What do you find most attractive about a girl?” He inquired.

Mo Guan Shan laughed, not thinking about the answer that quickly rolled off his tongue. “Nothing,” he snorted. As soon as he realised his mistake he was inwardly cursing himself. All three boys looked extremely surprised and two slightly confused as they stared at Mo in question. “Well shit,” Mo mumbled.

“Does that mean what I think it means?” Jian Yi asked Guan Shan slowly.

Mo Guan Shan was still trying to desperately hold onto his secret, asking him a question back in return. “That depends, what do you think it means?” He asked, his voice shaking. Jian Yi raised an eyebrow at him, thinking Mo was going to make him spell it out.

“Are you gay?” He asked, emotion not showing in his voice.

Mo Guan Shan wanted to bury himself in a hole, ‘how did I get myself in this situation?’ he wondered. He knew there was only one way out of this, but he still didn’t know what to do. Mo didn’t think that’d he’d be coming out to his friends so soon, in fact, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever planned on telling them. His mom was one thing but Jian Yi and Zheng Xi were another.

Guan Shan awkwardly laughed, a desperate attempt to relieve tension. Mo glanced at He Tian, an undecipherable look on his face. He told himself he was going to answer as strong and as confident as he could. If this was it then he wouldn’t let them walk all over him. “Yeah, I am.”

Neither Jian Yi or Zheng Xi looked disgusted or offended in the slightest, if anything it was the opposite. Their responses weren’t what Mo was expecting. “I’m glad you told us. I know I speak for all of us when I say we’re here for you Guan Shan,” Jian Yi spoke thoughtfully.

Zheng Xi agreed, not being one to talk much he gave a short reply. “Yeah,” he said softly. The mood was instantly lightened and all tension seemed to be gone. Mo Guan Shan didn’t know what to say, so far everyone who found out had been accepting. He didn’t understand, but he was thankful and maybe even a little happy.

“Thank you,” Mo offered. He was returned a few smiles as Mo took everything in. ‘We’re here for you,’ he repeated to himself. Guan Shan glanced over to his side to see He Tian’s reaction, what he saw was a small smile that had more emotion behind it than Mo would ever know.

Suddenly a phone rang removing them all from their thoughts and snapping them back to reality. Zheng Xi found it was his phone which was ringing, so he quickly picked it up. Guan Shan drowned out the talking and allowed himself a moment.

They were accepting of him. They didn’t think he was gross and they didn’t pity him. He had no reason to be scared. He had amazing, underappreciated friends by his side. They would be there for him when he needed it. All of this was too unreal for Guan Shan. He never had people like that before. In fact, he had never really had anyone he could call a true friend before them.

“That was my mom, I should get going now,” Zheng Xi told his friends. “I’ll walk with you,” Jian Yi replied as he clung to him. They all said their goodbyes and soon enough Mo Guan Shan was alone with He Tian.

They sat in the grass which was off to the side of the court, allowing the silence to envelop them. ‘It’s a nice night,’ Guan Shan thought. It was dark, street lamps lighting up the area. He admired the sky, realising it was a full moon.

Neither of them broke the comfortable silence for quite a while until He Tian spoke up. “I’m proud of you. That took a lot of courage,” Tian said, gazing at Guan Shan. Mo didn’t take his eyes off the sky as a small smile crept up on his face, along with a light blush. ‘This guy,’ Mo thought. ‘Driving me crazy one minute then making me feel like this the next.’

He Tian could’ve looked at the full moon gracing the sky, but his gaze was fully directed at one certain unknowing red-headed boy. The only person he had eyes for. That red-headed boy was unknowing of the heavy gaze on him.

That night, before drifting off to sleep, Mo realised that was the beginning of something. Good or bad, he had yet to find out. But he knew he’d be alright because of a certain someone always by his side and two idiots who were too nice for their own good. He would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing this short three-part fic, I wish it had been longer but I feel this was a good place to end it. I’m thinking of writing a sequel which focuses more so on He Tian and Mo’s relationship, and now that Mo has accepted himself their relationship could possibly advance ;). 
> 
> I’ll only write a sequel if you guys want one though, so give me lot’s of feedback about this fic and if you would like a sequel. I always love talking to you guys and hearing your support keeps me going, so don’t be shy!! Thank you, everyone!!!!!!
> 
> Tumblr: cynicalrecluse


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